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How X-Men Apocalypse Should Have Ended

How X-Men Apocalypse Should Have Ended

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Transcript

Erik's daughter: Aren't they going to take you away?

Erik: No, of course not. But you are most likely going to die.

Erik's daughter: What?!

Erik: Yup. And your mother, too. It's going to be really really sad.

Erik's daughter: But why?

Erik: Because they have to do SOMETHING to make me evil again. (chuckles)

His daughter whimpers. He just pats her head.

Erik: Nighty-night. Sweet dreams, pumpkin.

Cue title. Apocalypse, Psylocke, and Storm visit a drunk Angel.

Angel: Hey, who are you? Get outta my rock out room, Blue Face! No-one likes you, Stupid!

Apocalypse: Really? This is the best mutant you can come up with?

Storm: Uuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm...

Angel: I'm gonna flap my wings so fast at you.

Apocalypse: I mean, I need powerful mutants on my side, and I have this weird thing where I can only use four, and the best you can do is Birdman over here?

Angel: Shut up!

Storm: Well, there is Mystique, who can disguise as literally anyone.

Psylocke: And that guy, Nightcrawler, can teleport anywhere.

Storm: Or Magneto, who lifted an entire stadium.

Psylocke: Or Xavier, who's a telepath. He's, like, their leader.

Apocalypse: Oh my gosh, why aren't we going after any of them?! Just pick one! It doesn't even matter!

Fast forward to The Polish Police trying to arrest Erik, but Erik's kid is using her nature powers.

Erik's daughter: Leave my father alone!

The police run from the mind controlled birds... and the arrival of Gandalf, riding The Eagle Lord.

Gandalf: YOU! SHALL NOT! ARREST!

The officer fires his arrow... which kills Boromir.

Fast forward to the Quicksilver scene. After saving everyone, he goes to The MCU and saves MCU Quicksilver.

Quicksilver: Bet you didn't see that coming. (winks)

Fast forward to Jean, Scott and Nightcrawler opening Wolverine's cage to release...

Deadpool: SURPRISE! What? You were expecting another tacked-on Wolverine cameo? Well, this is awkward. You're probably wondering how did I get here. Well, talking heads, that's simple. (points at Cable) Time-Travel. Someone has to save this franchise. (draws his swords) Well, it's slicey-dicey time! (proceeds to kill the guards)

Fast forward to Mystique and Quicksilver talking to Magneto.

Mystique: You never had a chance to save your family before, but you do now. That's what I've come here to tell you.

Magneto: And you?

Quicksilver: I'm here because I'm your son.

Magneto: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! I HAVE A SON?! THAT'S WONDERFUL! I MUST TELL EVERYONE! (appears to Cyclops) HEY, GLASSES, I HAVE A SON! (appears in the Star Wars universe) I HAVE A SON!

Darth Vader: You have a son?

Magneto: (leaving) I HAVE A SON!

Darth Vader: I have a son!

Magneto: (next to Charles) CHARLES, DO YOU HAVE A SON?!

Charles: No, Erik. Not at this time.

Magneto: (next to Mystique) MYSTIQUE, DO YOU HAVE A SON?!

Mystique: (looking at Nightcrawler) Uuuuuuuhhhhh...

Magneto: I HAVE A SON!

Apocalypse: You are all my children.

Magneto: SHUT UP, APOCALYPSE! IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!

Fast forward to Apocalypse about to transfer himself into Charles body in the pyramid.

Apocalypse: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I almost forgot something. (summons a pyramid to prevent interference from the X-Men) There we go. Safe and sound.

Fast forward to Jean unleashing The Phoenix.

Charles: UNLEASH YOUR POWER!

Jean: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Mystique: (watching Jean) I'm supposed to be The Girl on Fire.

Everyone attacks Apocalypse... until Wolverine jumps towards Jean and stabs her. Everyone gasps.

Wolverine: Oh, am I too early? Kitty sent me back in time and I'm really confused.

Jean: (weakly) You stabbed me.

Wolverine: And how did I end up with Stryker again? I thought Mystique saved me. How is this even possible? (whispers to Jean) You look so different.

Jean falls to the ground.

Mystique: Is he with you?

Charles: I thought he was with you. Well poop, someone take Jean to a hospital!

Cut to the hospital. We see The Nurse from The Dark Knight HISHE and First Class HISHE walk into a hospital room. Night crawler appears with Jean.

Nurse: OH, LORD, THE DEVIL HAS RETURNED!

Cut back to Egypt.

Apocalypse: You fools! All is revealed!

Cyclops: Jeez, Apocalypse, what is your deal?!

Apocalypse: Everything will fall!

Quicksilver: The whole world domination thing is super played-out.

Apocalypse: I will cleanse The Earth!

Moira: You had ALL the nukes and you did nothing with them!

Charles: Apocalypse, you don't want to kill anyone.

Apocalypse: Nuh-uh! I've killed several people... with sand.

Charles: Just face it, your true passion is giving people makeovers.

Storm: That's true, you totally redid my hair. In fact, you made us all look cooler.

Moira: Have you ever considered opening a hair salon?

Apocalypse: A hair salon?

Later...

Apocalypse: (giving Voldemort a nose, a chin, facial hair, and long hair) And from the hair folicles, we will make a better one!

Voldemort: (after his makeover) YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!

Deadpool: Hey, Ivan Ooze, do me next. But be gentle.

Cut to later in The 80's Super Cafe. Batman and Superman wear their movie suits from that period.

Superman: Well, that was...

Batman: Weird.

Superman: Unexpected.

Batman: Weird.

Magneto: Well, I, for one, learned something today. It doesn't matter if we don't see eye to eye on certain things. Sometimes we're going to fight.

Charles: But that doesn't mean we can't all join together to try to destroy a powerful mutant with a god complex.

Magneto: Because, at the end of the day, that's all that really matters, isn't it? Diverting your hatred for each other and directing it towards a mutual hatred.

Superman: I'm not sure if that makes things better.

Magneto: Oh, it does.

Batman: So... you guys aren't going to disagree anymore?

Charles: Oh no, we will ride this merry-go-round to our graves.

Magneto: And just before that, we'll use time-travel and start it all over again. (laughs)

Charles: He's probably right.

The two of them laugh.

Charles: (sighs) Never-ending reboots.

The End.

YouTube Outro. Batman approaches Mystique in The Cafe.

Batman: Hey, I'm Batman. So you're good, then you turned bad, then you turned good again. I like that. You wanna know my secret iden-.

Mystique changes into Michael Keaton.

Batman: (running off) OH NO, SHE KNOWS! ALFRED, SHE KNOWS!