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How Thor Ragnarok Should Have Ended

How Thor Ragnarok Should Have Ended

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Transcript

Cue MCU inspired logo... which gets destroyed by Mjolnir. We begin with Hela killing Volstagg and Fandral. She approaches Skurge.

Skurge: I'm just a janitor.

Hela: You look like a smart boy. How'd you like a job?

Skurge: Um, sure.

Hela: Excellent. Then you can start by (looking at Heimdal's sword) grabbing that sword.

Skurge: Right away.

Hela: It's kind of the key to this whole thing so I wouldn't want to leave it behind to get stolen.

Heimdal: Aaaawwwww poop.

Cue title. We then cut to the finale where everyone is on that big ass ship with Korg.

Thor: Go now! (gets stabbed by a spear)

The ship tries to take off... only for Hela to stab it with a big spear from the ground.

Korg: Don't worry, everyone. This is just a minor setback. All we need to do is extricate ourselves free from this ginormous spear here and then we can get back to escaping.

Skurge: (pulling out his two guns) For Asgard!

Hela responds by stabbing the ship with more spears.

Korg: Oh no, the ship has perished. Looks like we're all going to die here. Sorry, everyone, the revolution has ended.

The ship explodes.

Thor: Hela! C'mon!

Hela: Mwuhahahahahahahahahaha! It's over, Brother. Your lightning and Led Zeppelin have failed.

Cut to Loki running to set The Crown of Surtur on fire... until he notices The Tesseract. And now, back to the fight.

Hela: You can't defeat me.

Thor: No, I can't. (looking over to the city of Asgard) But he can!

Crickets chirp as nothing happens. Hulk and Valkyrie join Thor.

Thor: Uh, I said But he can!

Valkyrie: Um, Thor?

Cue Loki fleeing with The Tesseract inside the Grandmaster's orgy ship which Thor and the gang stole earlier.

Loki: I'M SORRY, BROTHER, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T BE TRUSTED!!!

Thor: Son of a-!

Quickly cut to The Villain Pub.

Loki: ICE GIANT!

Everyone laughs.

Loki: So I left them all and got the heck out of there!

Everyone laughs again.

Voldemort: And then what happened?

Hela: (walking in) And then I defeated all of them!

Everyone laughs as Loki shows off The Tesseract.

Loki: And I took The Tesseract!

???: Oh, finally.

Everyone stops laughing as a toilet is flushed and we are treated to the return of...

Thanos: (grabbing The Tesseract and slams it into The Infinity Gauntlet, revealing The Space Stone) I'll take that, thanks. Now, let's get this party started. (notices Hela) Oh, hey, how you doin'? Someone's looking... HELA fine.

Hela: (disgusted) Ugh.

OR...

Cue the epic finale again.

Hela: You can't defeat me.

Thor: No, I can't. But SHE can!

Cue Valkyrie throwing that taser thing onto Hela's forehead and shocks her to death.

Thor: Wow, those things are ridiculously powerful.

Valkyrie: Mm-hmm.

But this is how it really should have ended...

Hela stops Mjolnir when Thor throws it at her.

Thor: That's not possible.

Hela: Darling, you have no idea what's possible. (destroys Mjolnir with her hand)

Thor: GASP! MY HAMMER! NOOOOOOO! MY HAMMER WAS JUST LIKE A HAMMER TO ME-!

Then suddenly!

Doctor Strange: (walking out of a portal) Okay, you guys were supposed to leave promptly but instead I'm detecting even more interdimensional activity. (sees Hela) Who is she?

Hela: Kneel!

Thor: This is our evil sister! She broke my hammer! She's going to destroy Asgard and who knows what else!

Doctor Strange: Okay, well, we can't have that, can we?

Hela: I said kneel before your que-! (falls into the portal that Strange summons beneath her feet which then disappears)

Doctor Strange: She's going to be falling for a really, REALLY long time. Okay, NOW you guys need to leave.

Thor: (tearfully) But my hammer... And The Cafe...

Doctor Strange: (sighs) Okay, fine. (restores Mjolnir with The Time Stone)

Cut to later in The Super Cafe. Superman and Batman glare at Loki, who is not happy being here.

Thor: So the doctor fixed my hammer, our sister is falling in an eternal abyss, I'm going to be The King of Asgard, and everyone is happy and good. Haha. Isn't that right, Brother?

Loki: Yes, everyone is happy... and good...

Batman: Hmmmmmmm.

Superman: This is weird.

Batman: Yeah, I'm not comfortable with this.

Loki: What's wrong, Batman? Don't you trust that I'm a good guy now?

Batman: Nobody in their right mind should trust you.

Loki: Why?

Batman: BECAUSE I'M BATMA-! Oh, sorry, force of habit. I mean, because you're... Loki.

Loki: My dear Batman, do you think I'm going to get people's hopes up and then ultimately let them down when the time comes?

Batman: Yes.

Loki: What do I look like, The Justice League? Hahahahahahahaha! Zing!

Batman: You're so mean.

Superman: Permission to, uh, punch your brother in the face?

Thor: Uh... Denied.

Loki: I'm JOKING! It's a friendly joke. You like Jokers. Right, Batman?

Batman: This is all wrong. He's not supposed to be here.

Superman: Yeah, can I just turn back time and make things back to normal?

Thor: What do you mean? Everything is back to normal. Brother and I are together again, I have my hammer, I have my hair, (as fangirls crowd and scream outside and leave) I don't have a girlfriend apparently but that's not even a problem for me. Everything IS back to normal.

Batman: (as sad music plays in the background) Except, uh, well.

Thor: Except what? My father?

Superman: Except that Hulk is still missing.

Thor: Oh, I forgot. Banner...

Loki: I'm not sad.

Thor: I wonder where he is.

Everyone sits in sadness and silence for five seconds... until we cut to Hulk in his hot-tub with Valkyrie, who is holding a big glass bottle of booze, on Sakaar.

Hulk: Don't worry. Hulk fine.

Grandmaster: Ah-ha, yes you are.

The end.

We see Thor drinking that pint of mead that Strange gave him in The Sanctum.

Thor: (finishing his drink which then refills) I just can't get enough of this. Maybe it's because I'm so... Thorsty. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Doctor Strange magics the mead away to Thor's disappointment.

Thor: Aw.

Trivia

  • Fandral's facial model has changed in this HISHE from how it looked like in "How Thor Should Have Ended" to that of Flynn Rider from "How Tangled Should Have Ended."
    • This could be a nod to how Fandral is played in Ragnarok by Zachary Levi, who also voiced Flynn.